menslady125

I hurt my ankle at work today. The pain has eased. But the pain of my heart...that's another story. Christmas Eve is upon us...and normally, we are very excited about the next day. But I can't do that this year.

I will not get what I wanted this year. I want my true love. People say they can't stand to hear Mariah Carey singing "All I want for Christmas is You".....but I have WELCOMED that song this year...for my true is what I want. But I will never find him...nor will he find me...because he doesn't exist.

Come on...let's be reasonable. I'm just a late thirties, living-at-home, family-reliant, emotionally unstable, spergy bagel baker. Who could possibly be fit for me...whom I could be fit to in return?

My family, my friends, my therapist...I believe that you all care about me. But you will NEVER...and I mean NEVER...convince me that there is someone out there just right for me...whom I could be just right for in return.

(sigh) Valdemar...if there existed a gateway between reality and fantasy, how I would run to you. If only I were in your arms and you in mine. You're all I have left...a real man will never come for me...nor will I find one.

I should have figured that nobody on Facebook would care about this when I posted it and my reason behind it. Maybe I'll find some kinder people on here.

I fear now I must be Theoden...for the rest of my life. He is especially those in the marketing industry...they suffer the most, trying to fulfill everyone's needs and wants and working themselves to the bone and to sheer exhaustion (do any of the customers even care? How many have not let greed taken them?).

And now it will happen to me. I will never find joy in the joyful season to come...I will only have pain and exhaustion and long for the holiday season to be over. Now, I would love to believe that that is a lie. But.....(sigh)....with how demanding things get during this time so we have hardly any time for ourselves...where we can make the holidays happy for us and our loved ones.......no. I'm not feeling any Christmas magic this year. I'm only feeling like a convenience for everyone else...someone who just wants the craziness to stop...why did I have to grow up?

I was supposed to have Black Friday off this week...but something came up, and now I have to be a convenience on the WORST day of the year for people in the marketing industry. Yes...being in the food industry puts me there.

Oh...excuse me for wanting to spend a little more time with you in the cyberworld. Let me tell you something...the cyberworld is my means of escape from this dreary, vile, harsh, unforgiving world! I have no car, I can't drive, I have to rely on OTHER people to take me places, and I will NOT become what I despise by making THEM a convenience for me!

And if ANY of my fellow employees DARE laugh at me or make jokes about me being there, they're gonna GET IT!

(SIGH).....how can I ever find happiness again...when I work myself for exhaustion, being a convenience for everyone else...and am pretty much fighting to survive? How much longer until I find that nice place where I can live on my own with affordable necessities? Yeah, I don't want to stay in Michigan. I want to go some place warmer and brighter. Where am I going to go? What has the most affordable housing? What has the best job market? What has the most affordable health care? Does any place with all these things even exist? I am WELL AWARE that this is no fairy tale, but can things just get a LITTLE happier? How much longer...until I will be free?

I'm sorry...about that last status update. Really, I am sorry. If this is any consolation, I sought no attention from it.

I just wonder: does anyone care?

Does anyone care that I feel useless and worthless?

Does anyone care that I feel that it's pointless to have dreams?

Does anyone care that I feel that dreams are nothing but entertainment for our minds?

Does anyone care that I feel I have been lied to...that I feel that Disney has told us FILTHY lies by saying stuff like "All your dreams can come true if you have the courage to pursue them" and putting in our heads songs like "A Dream is a Wish your heart Makes"?

Does anyone care that I hate how fantasies have taught me to do stupid things like "having faith in dreams" and "keeping on believing no matter how my heart is grieving"?

Does anyone care that I see no reason to believe that "dreams that I wish will come true"...unless it's one about pain or death?

Does anyone care...that the dream that I wish...is to feel special and loved and accepted...and as if I am worth something...something memorable...some amazing...something that would leave a legacy?

To everyone who is still able to use doll makers like Azaleas and Sailor Moon, I need your help. They won't work for me without Adobe Flash.

What can I use in place of Adobe Flash that is safe for Windows 7?

I need your help DESPERATELY! My video "Legends of the Multi-Universe - Epilogue" is scheduled to be taken down in 6 days! If I do nothing, I will get a strike. Before I take it down, I MUST know where I can safely post it. Do any of you have any suggestions? PLEASE help me. Your time and assistance is GREATLY appreciated.